My Will
by Pariah-Of-Exodus
Summary: Threeshot fic feat. Kagome's thoughts of InuYasha and Kikyo, Kikyo's thoughts as she lay dying, and Sango's memories of how things used to be, using three Papa Roach songs from their CD 'lovehatetragedy' [COMPLETE]
1. Love

Author's Notes: this fic is totally random and it just popped up into my head while I was listening to Papa Roach's CD 'lovehatetragedy' and really listened for the first time, to the song "Life is a Bullet" which I decided was perfect for Kikyo's thoughts on the funeral pyre. then i decided that "Black Clouds" fit Sango perfectly. then I had to find one for Kagome to make the name of the fic "My Will" after the first ending song, which features all three of InuYasha's wonderful women. Anyhoo, I decided on 'lovehatetragedy' the song, for Kagome, even though it doesn't fit at all... the song is cut, because I didn't feel like typing the bridge the five thousand times it says it. anyhoo, plese forgive this chapter, it's not as good as the other two. My favorite is the second chapter. Anyhoo, the three chapters are named after the name of the CD, with the first chapter as "Love" With Kagome and the song "Lovehatetragedy" the second chapter is "Hate" with Kikyo and "Life is a Bullet" and the third chapter is "Tragedy" with Sango and "Black Clouds" onward to the story.

Disclaimer: Okay, disclaimer, THEN story.. well, I don't own anything.. so NYAH! ((sticks tongue out))

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Chapter one-"Love"

Kagome POV

As long as I've been here, I still don't understand the way things are. I think I'm in love with him.. but, how can I be? he's so selfish, and arrogant. I just don't get him! sometimes, he makes me so mad, and he doesn't even get it!

_**/Human behavior**_

_**Peculiar it seems/**_

I hate him... but then I don't.. I don't understand.. he's such a jerk, but I care about him...

_**/Some thrive on hate**_

_**Some live and dream/**_

I wonder if this is how Kikyo felt. I mean, it can't be, right? She had it all planned, right? It just doesn't seem like she could ever be surprised or unprepared. I don't really know _what_ this is all about. I've never really _loved_ anyone before, I mean, except my family and friends, but, this is different...

_**/Everyone's got a purpose and wants to be loved/**_

But.. this doesn't make any sense. How could I love him? I mean, he's like, accident prone. How could I even _think_ of loving him, after what happened to Kikyo! But, I _think_... I love him.

_**/I think I found my purpose **_

_**I think I found love-hidden inside myself**_

_**Hidden inside-inside myself/**_

I wonder how Kikyo dealt with it? It must have hurt. I can't imagine. I wonder if she knew she was going to die? I wonder if she knew what to do?

_**/Tragedy-Strikes when-You least expect it**_

_**Tragedy-Strikes when-You least expect it/**_

Every time we fight, he seems to find _her_. I don't know if I should hate her... or _pity_ her. I can't fathom what it must've been like. And now, he and I can't even get along for ten minutes.

_**/Hate and destruction crash down on our world**_

_**The stars and the stripes,**_

_**The boys and the girls/**_

I mean, we wouldn'tve even _met_ if he hadn't been pinned by Kikyo, and she hadn't died. It's horrible, that that's the only reason we're together.

_**/It's sad it took war just to bring us together/**_

But, I want to stay with him, no matter _what_ happens, he can't get rid of me. But, what if he really wants to go back to _her_? I won't stop him, but I really do care for him.

_**/I belive in love, I believe in forever**_

_**Hidden inside ourselves **_

_**Hidden inside-inside ourselves/**_

But, I can't help but feel a little guilty, for being so happy when she died in such a horrible way.

**_/Tragedy-Strikes when-You least expect it!  
Tragedy-Strikes when-You least expect it/_**

But, how did it all happen? I mean, I know Naraku made them believe they had betrayed one other, but still. I wonder... It must've happened so fast, that neither of them really knew what happened. She was probably just reacting under pressure, and he was just realizing that he had nothing left to lose.

_**/You better run-**_

_**For your life-**_

_**Shed a tear- **_

_**Live in fear/**_

It's so sad what happened to them, but how could she try to kill him, even after she was told the truth! It's like the jewel's repeating its cycle by hurting people.

_**/Love... Hate... Tragedy...**_

_**Love...Hate... Tragedy.../**_

It's a shame that just when Kikyo was learning to appreciate life, it was taken away from her.

_**/Tragedy-strikes when-You least expect it**_

_**Tragedy-Strikes when-You least expect it/**_

Kaede said that it was the worst day of her life and I don't doubt it. It must've been horrible.

_**/Tragedy Day**_

_**Tragedy Day **_

_**Tragedy Day/**_

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Author's Notes: wow that chapter sucked... anyhoo, the next two will be MUCH better, believe me... please keep reading! ... pweez?


	2. Hate

Author's Notes: this chapter is MUCH better than the first. it's my fave of the three, but not to stall or blow my own horn, onward..

Disclaimer: I still own nothing.

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Chapter two-"Hate"

Kikyo POV

I stagger under the minimal weight of my bow. I look up into the beautiful blue sky, as the birds fly, wings fluttering like trees' leaves in the wind. My sight is blurred, and my vision begins to fail, but I still see the world through a

blood-drenched haze. My gaze falls to the funeral pyre with its ceremonial fires already lit. This isn't fair. Even as my friends, my family, this village; Even as they lay me down to meet the flames, I think that this is not how it should be.

This is not fair.

_**/My mind has been shut down**_

_**My friends have been let down/**_

I allowed this village to be gutted and _burnt_ for _my_ responsibilities. For my own purpose, my destiny, these people suffered. And it is not fair. How could he do this to me! How could I be so foolish as to pursue my own values! How could I be so selfish!

_**/What is the reason?**_

_**There's millions of reasons/**_

It's not fair! I was never allowed to live, and thus I should not be permitted to die like this! Why! Why me! Why did he _do_ this! Out of everyone, why _me_!

_**/Single me out/**_

I allowed him to puncture my barrier, rip off my outer shell, that hid the world from my feelings, from my heart and soul. He exposed me, and my spirit, I should thank him... he gave me life.. but he killed me! Why!

_**/Tear off my front!**_

_**Make me expose,**_

_**What I conceal/**_

He killed me! Why! Why did he bring me to life, only to rip it away and slaughter that same faith he gave me! I watch my own blood run over the ground, and the flowers wince in pain as the crimson stain touches them.

_**/Life is-A bullet**_

_**The bloodstains-will prove it!**_

_**It's tearing through you and me!**_

_**Not caring about you or me/**_

It isn't **_fair_**! As my hatred grows, the jewel blackens in my hand. I could save myself.. but what is life without death? And what is life without _him_? How did this happen! How did it come to this!

_**/Now I could explain everything/**_

As my anger flares, the flames of the pyre darken and writhe with black hate. I hate everything, I love everything. I am not allowed to, but I do, because of him.

_**/You cursed the fire**_

_**Now FUCK the flame!**_

_**What is the reason?**_

_**There's millions of reasons/**_

How could this happen? The fire touches my skin, yet I feel no pain. Not anymore. He made my blood run with a newfound strength. Yes, that strength was mortal, but it was _beautiful_, all the same. With him, I _lived_! But he planned it all along. He made me love him, just to pull the wool over my eyes, just to murder me! Why!

_**/Blindfold me now!**_

_**(Spin me around) **_

_**Spin me around!**_

_**Picking me up**_

_**When I fall down/**_

He made me trust him, he made me put trust into myself, though the knowledge of mortality's faults constantly loomed in my mind. This is _my_ fault, all mine. This is my revelation: In my next lives, I shall _never_ fall prey to one like HIM! He feeds upon sadness, chaos, blood, death!

_**/Life is-A bullet**_

**_The Bloodstains-Will prove it!  
It's tearing through you and me_**

_**Not caring about you or me/**_

That traitor ripped me apart, took my heart in his hands and bled it dry while I watched. And I did nothing.

_**/Today I feel blue/**_

I don't know why these thoughts arise. Why nostalgia and regret? There is nothing to be done, now.

_**/My head is in the clouds/**_

Someone, please, save me! I don't want to die, but I do not wish to live! Please, just let me awaken, take me away from this place! Save these flames, this hate for another!

**_/Separate me!  
My soul from my body/_**

Why do I question my ways, only now! Why did I do nothing when it occured? Why only now do I recognize the flaws of my actions! Now my sadness, not rage consumes me, devours the remains of my false excuse for a soul...

_**/Today I feel blue...**_

_**My head is in the clouds...**_

_**Separate me...**_

_**My soul from my body.../**_

I suppose it is punishment, for feeling joy and sorrow, for the love and hate I shared with him, for expressing myself in fields other than my duties. Why only now do I realize this? Perhaps it is irony, to torment me into unrest. I pray that is not my fate: To be exposed and loved then to be tortured and killed again. I deserve this, no matter how unfair it may seem. Though I tell myself this, it still does not seem fair.

_**/Feelin' so lonely...**_

_**I'm not the only one.../**_

Get me out of here, please! Save me!

_**/Separate me!**_

_**My soul from my body/**_

I felt my heart fly! I felt love! That was my only fault! How could I! Why did I lower myself to such mortality!

_**/'Cause I'm in love with too many things **_

**_And I HATE EVERYTHING!/_**

This is not fair! The flames lick across my entire body now, but the only heat is in my mind, my core. My spite burns brighter than any earthly flame. This is not happening! Death is supposed to hurt! How could this darkness enveloping my senses be anything other than beautiful? Perhaps my destiny is not so torturous, but I still feel the hate. It ceases to ebb away, and hide behind my stoic aura. Why do _these_ people get to live, while I lay burning upon this damned pyre? Why _me_?

_**/Single me out!**_

_**Tear off my front!**_

_**Make me expose-**_

_**What I conceal/**_

He tricked me! How could I be so blind? Why did I do this to myself?

_**/Blindfold me now**_

_**(Spin me around)**_

_**Spin me around!**_

_**Picking me up,**_

_**When I fall down/**_

How could he do this to me? Why? This is _not fair!_ Why is fate so cruel? Why did my destiny consist of this?

_**/Life is-a bullet!**_

_**The bloodstains-Will prove it!**_

**_It's tearing through you and me!  
Not caring about you or me/_**

I breathed, I hated, I loved, I thought, I felt. I _Lived!_ That was my only fault! The flames consume me and my mind blanks out. My last thought was of the one who brought me to life, and then stole my heart; The one who was sent by the Gods to punish me for my actions. For my failure, I am sorry.

_**/'Cause I'm in love with too many things!**_

**_And I HATE EVERYTHING/_**

I am sorry.

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Author's Notes: I think this chapter is WAY better than the last one... hope you liked it. Ja ne! BTW, you really have to _hear_ this song to understand how desperate and angry and hopeless it sounds. If you have the chance, listen to it, cuz it's really good! later!


	3. Tragedy

Author's Notes: Well, here is the last chapter of this three-shot... hope you like this one. chapter two's my favorite, and chapter one sucks.. this one's kind of the medium. anyhoo, onward

Disclaimer: I don't own Inu-Yasha. But I'd love to own both him and papa roach, cuz Jacoby Shaddix is HOT! ((worships pictures of Jacoby))

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Chapter three-"Tragedy"

Sango POV

The rain pours outside this evening, with thunder and lightning stripping night of its enigmatic presence. And I remember them, how things were. I always do when the clouds steal away the sun and the moon and the stars.

I hate the rain now.

_**/This is making me crazy**_

_**These black clouds following me/**_

Maybe because those same clouds witnessed the death of my family and friends, the death of everything dear to me. They watched me as I failed the most important mission of my life, when I let everyone down and still now, when I cannot kill Naraku. Perhaps, though, my companions and I will live long enough to defeat him.

_**/So I look for signs of light-**_

_**But rarely I see them/**_

Hopefully, they can still see me smiling. I don't want them to know I have my doubts, but how can I honestly be expected to be hopeful? Until the sun rises, I'll hide here.

_**/I return to my shelter-**_

_**And crawl in a bottle**_

_**I'm losing my will for this...**_

_**So overemotional/**_

Maybe if I keep that idea, that the sun will shine again, then I might be able to escape this rain...

_**/Black clouds: They rain down,**_

_**But they can't kill the sun.../**_

I wonder what would happen if my friends knew that I do not share their faith in the chance of our success? Would they disown me? Would they leave me? But how can I shake off the murder of my family?

_**/Confession of Depression**_

_**This life I'm second-guessing/**_

No matter what I do, I always fail. I must be cursed, because if I am not hurt, then someone I care about is. Is this how I will live? Too afraid to take chances for fear of harming someone I love?

_**/Like ashes-to ashes**_

_**I always seem to fall down/**_

I refuse to live in fear, though. I will not allow Naraku to chase me into living like a _rat_; hiding in the cracks and crevices with the filth of this world.

_**/I'm tired-of running-**_

_**It's time to face my demons/**_

I don't care if my own life is taken, but for him to strike at those _around_ me, is lower than low... which is what I expect of that _bastard_.

_**/Confession of depression-**_

_**This life I'm second-guessing/**_

Another thunder bolt shakes the very ground, and I find that I am crying. The tears run down my face and fall into my lap. One of Kirara's sensitive ears twitches in response of being hit by a drop. A sob wracks my body, and my anger and self-disgust grows at the feeling of my own weakness. I miss them so much, that I've nearly become dependant on this nightly misery. As I scoff my own failure, the storm rages outside.

_**/My emotions are storming**_

_**And tears fall just like rain**_

_**Pain strikes like lightning**_

_**Despair is becoming my friend/**_

I sigh. This is stupid. I should just go to sleep. But now, I have to remember, or I might lose focus of my mission. I can't afford that. But maybe the sun _will_ shine again.

_**/I return to my shelter **_

_**and crawl in a bottle**_

_**I'm losing my will for this**_

_**So overemotional/**_

The storm booms all around and the inside of the shack is illuminated by lightning dead overhead. I shudder, and long to see the light of the morning.

_**/Black clouds they rain down**_

_**But they can't kill the sun/**_

The tempestuous weather rumbles again and I feel my self-loathing consume me as I fight my tears, yet allow them to continue to fall. These clouds mock me, they did when they took my family, swallowed them up within their billowing and black depths, and they mock me now, as I sit, crying, in an abandoned home. A grim smile comes upon my face as I wonder if the previous inhabitants of this place were haunted by these storms, too.

_**/Confession of depression-**_

_**This life I'm second-guessing/**_

How is it that no matter the situation, odds in our favor or not, I can never hold my ground against one, small boy and one pompous demon? Why is it that I can _never_ face my past and stare into those heartless brown eyes? Why is it that I allow Naraku to hurt me like that? He doesn't even have to strike out at me, he has Kohaku do it for him...

_**/Like ashes- to ashes**_

_**I always seem to fall down/**_

I fear for my brother's safety, yet I will _not_ hesitate to kill him, should he harm my friends again. My last attempt was thwarted by Inu-Yasha, Kagome and Miroku, because they believed I would regret it. Another grim smirk. I would have died after him, taken my own life. The dead regret nothing, and that is why Kohaku will not break free of this curse.

_**/I'm tired of running-**_

_**It's time to face my demons**_

_**Confession of depression**_

_**This life I'm second-guessing/**_

I remember my father's dying look, how all the bravery and valor had been stolen away. How his expression retained none of his living grace and dignity. Just a blank, horrified stare. Like everyone else who'd had their lives and fates ripped away from them. I make a new promise to myself: I shall never give up hope, no matter how desperate and bleak the situation.

I will not fail my new friends when we confront Naraku. It will cost me my life, but I will _not_ fail.

_**/Black clouds: they rain down **_

_**But they can't kill the sun... inside/**_

I wait for morning to dawn, pray for the beautiful, glimmering light of the sun, to illuminate my face and show the world my false smile. I will not allow the night to steal my life away. I will not allow these clouds to press down upon me, they can follow me and taunt me all they like, but I will not allow myself to be suffocated by them.

_**/Still looking for signs of light!**_

**_These black clouds keep following me/_**

As the lightning flashes over me, directly, in the obscurred black sky outside, I feel my doubt rise again. I remember my father's face as he lay dying. Kohaku's sweet, mortified voice as we died together. But I had had even my death stolen from me. I have to live with these memories, this bittersweet nostalgia of my years taking my profession and my village and family for granted. This is my punishment for not appreciating their full worth. They say that you don't know what you have until it's gone, and I believe that. I never knew they meant so much to me. And now I can't even tell them that.

_**/I return to my shelter**_

_**And crawl in a bottle/**_

And I remember my own personal sun, Kohaku. His bright smile and shining eyes. And father, his strong arms as he taught me to fend for myself. As he taught me to live, and as Kohaku taught me to appreciate all the small things in life. They lit up my world and gave me everything I could ever truly need. And those damned black clouds outside can _not_ take them away from me. No, Naraku did that for them.

_**/Black clouds they rain down**_

_**but they can't kill the sun/**_

I suppose that if these clouds really wanted to disturb me in these ways, then they would come more often. I hope they will not in the future, because they come often enough now. It is already hard for me to deal with seeing the reflections of my brother and father in every rain drop and puddle I see. I look out the window and see the lightning flash this time. I know my eyes flash and burn with it, as I pray for its strike to be violent and spiteful so that it may express my rage for me. I find myself embodied in the storm, now. My tears, the rain. My anger, this lightning. And those black clouds, my conscience, my regret.

_**/Confession of depression**_

_**This life I'm second-guessing**_

_**Like ashes-to ashes**_

_**I always seem to fall down/**_

I embrace the tears as they fall now, in sync with the rain, in a tempestuous symphony of destructive notes. I feel my skin crawl and the lightning flashes and thunder roars at the same time, bite back my own scream, jealous that this storm can be as loud as it pleases, yet I cannot voice my own opinions to the heavens. Why must I be left here, while those who mock me can fly and thus run away from their problems? Why am I grounded when I have experienced the worst of Hell's tragedies?

_**/I'm pushing-myself to-a point of self-destruction**_

_**Confession of depression**_

_**This life I'm second-guessing**_

_**I'm tired or running!**_

_**It's time to face my demons!**_

_**Confession of depression!**_

_**This life I'm second-guessing/**_

'You cannot take my memories away from me!' I wish to voice this towards those unruly clouds above me, as they bear down upon me. I will not let them steal away my only lifeline! I refuse to allow these same memories and sacred momentos of my happiness to destroy me!

_**/Black clouds: They rain down**_

**_But they can't kill the sun... Inside/_**

As the last cloud passes over head, the morning sky breaks into a blinding display of brilliant pastels. My anger softens at the beauty of sunrise, and I allow my tears to stop, I allow myself to store my memories away again, behind my smile, where I can always reach them. The black clouds can follow me all they like, but they cannot steal my memories from me.

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Author's Notes: awwwww, how cute (GAG) well, that's all folks (second disclaimer: i don't own porky pig) anyhoo, later... and if you liked these... what the hell is wrong with you? well, if you DID like these, or if you want to know that I'm not a completely awful author, and if you like Evanescence, you can check out my story "Anywhere But Home" which is MUCH better... anyhoo, Ja ne!


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